Ask CancerCare
July 2008 This Month's Topic: Featured Expert: Wade Iwata, LMSW |
Q. I am 16 years old. My mother died of cancer when I was 12. I am still grieving deeply about it. What can I do to lessen my grief?
A. For children and teens that have experienced the death of a parent, emotions surrounding the death will be examined at each new developmental stage. As a 12 year old the death of your mother was extremely difficult for many reasons that are personal for you. As you are maturing and experiencing different life events such as turning 16, driving, high school prom, etc., the impact of your mother's death is wider seen by you and intensifies your feelings of grief. So, how do we manage our grief?
There are several things we can do to help ourselves cope better with the death of a significant person in our lives.
Allow yourself the opportunity to grieve. During significant moments in your life, you will feel a variety of emotions and intense feelings. These reactions are typical and are part of the grieving process. Give yourself the opportunity to acknowledge these feelings and work through them at your own pace.
You can also reach out to supportive people in your life to help you manage through these difficult times. Friends, family, teachers, coaches, school counselors, are all people who may be available when you are in need of support. While some of these people might be better at listening to you, others might be helpful by taking you out to a movie or dinner. Both types of support are equally important. Perhaps even reaching out to a grief counselor would be helpful.
Another helpful suggestion would be to plan for special days or markers coming up. Your loved one's birthday, Mother's Day, holidays, your birthday, prom, are all days when you may need additional support. Planning a way to honor your loved one on these days may help you in your grieving process.
You may find additional support in reading through a variety of our online fact sheets on grief:
- Helping Teenagers Who Have Lost a Loved One
- Helping Yourself As You Cope with the Loss of a Parent
- Living with Grief: How Can You Help Yourself?
Q. I was diagnosed last fall with Stage 2 pancreatic cancer. The survival rates are not great, but I am quite hopeful. My 18-year-old daughter, however, has told me that she cannot be hopeful because she can't handle being let down if I die. While this makes sense to me, should I be trying to get her to look at it another way?
A. Everyone responds differently to a cancer diagnosis. While many people are optimistic, others, like your daughter, are afraid of being let down. Your ability to respect your daughter's views and understand the difficulty she is having with your diagnosis is apparent. While you may not be able to change her opinions, you can be supportive of her through this challenging situation.
Encourage your daughter to share her thoughts and feelings about your diagnosis with you. What are her fears? Worries? Hopes? Allowing her to express her feelings freely can provide you with the opportunity to talk openly about your situation. You can even start the conversation by sharing your own worries, hopes, and fears with her. Telling her that you, too, have uncertainties will help to validate her feelings and make it easier for her to open up.
Communication is the key in any relationship affected by cancer. By opening up to your daughter, you are showing her a way to discuss her feelings. The fact that she has expressed her fears about being let down indicates that she feels the two of you have a trusting relationship. It is understandable that you want your daughter to be optimistic; however, your being able to accept her fears acknowledges the significance of your illness and its impact on her.
Teens often struggle with talking directly to their parents about illness. Look to adult relatives, teachers, and coaches as potential sources of support for your daughter. She may also benefit from talking one-on-one with a CancerCare social worker, who is specially trained to work with children and teens who have a parent or sibling with cancer. Call 1-800-813-HOPE (4673); or email us at info@cancercare.org.
Your daughter might also find helpful resources online that are specifically designed for teens with a parent with cancer, such as Riprap.
For yourself, CancerCare offers a telephone support group for people with pancreatic cancer. This is a great place to discuss all the concerns and issues that arise from your diagnosis, including its impact on your daughter and other loved ones. Please contact us at 1-800-813-HOPE (4673) for more information.
Q. My teenage son has had body-image issues since having cancer. His treatments caused him to gain weight and surgeries left him with scars. How can I help him deal with this?
A. Adolescence is a time when teens are experiencing rapid changes in their appearance. During this time, teens often focus on their bodies and how they compare to their peers. A teen whose physical appearance is altered as a result of his cancer and its medical treatment can often experience complex and complicated feelings about himself.
It is important to acknowledge the impact the cancer has had on your son's life. Not only did it make him sick, keep him out of school and separate him from his friends, it also changed his body. In a word, the cancer diagnosis "sucked." Helping your teen voice this and acknowledging that his situation was unfair can help to normalize the anger and frustration he most likely feels.
Several online communities designed specifically for teens can help to demystify your son's experience, connect him with other teens with cancer, and provide a variety of information and resources focused on teen concerns:
- www.2bme.org provides information on personal care, focusing on non-medical issues such as grooming and socializing.
- www.imtooyoungforthis.org is an internet database for adolescents and young adults affected by cancer. It provides a portal to a variety of different organizations that serve these populations.
Your son may also need additional support outside of the family. If he is displaying behavior which is not typical for him, then he may benefit from professional support. CancerCare's professionally trained social workers can talk with your teen (or you) about his current situation and provide individual counseling services and referrals to other professionals in your area who can help.
As a parent, you may also feel overwhelmed and concerned about your teen's physical losses associated with his diagnosis and treatment. Addressing your feelings and the impact on you is integral to your support of your child. CancerCare offers support services for parents of children with cancer through our online and telephone support groups, as well as individual services. Call us at 1-800-813-HOPE (4673).
Q. I have a 14-year-old son who doesn't seem to want to talk about my cancer at all. I know it's hard for him, but it also can't be good for him to keep things bottled up. What can I do to help him?
A. Teens are at a stage in life when they are trying to develop their own identity, sense of self, and independence. Your son's desire not to talk about the illness is a common reaction many teens have. Often teens are afraid to talk with a parent about the parent's cancer diagnosis, or perhaps they don't want to discuss it with their family. Sometimes teens may feel their questions or concerns might be hurtful or even scare the parent. It is important for you to keep communicating with him. Keep him informed on the status of your illness and treatments, while letting him know that if he has any questions or concerns he can always come and talk with you about them if he so chooses.
While your son is choosing not to talk about your cancer with you, it is important to respect his privacy and to offer him additional support that may be helpful to him. Identifying a relative like an aunt or uncle, or a teacher, coach, or school counselor with whom he can talk more openly can give him a sense of feeling more in control of his situation, and allow him to voice questions or concerns he may not want to mention to you.
If you haven't done so already, I would also encourage you to inform his school. Teachers and school counselors can be reliable supports for both your son and yourself. They can watch for and inform you of any concerns or behavioral changes your son may be displaying, and can advise you should they feel your son might need additional professional help.
You may find the following resources helpful as you navigate the sometimes tricky territory of having cancer while parenting a teen:
- CancerCare's Fact Sheet Helping Teens when a Parent Has Cancer
- CancerCare's Connect® Booklet Helping Children when a Family Member Has Cancer
- How to Help Children Through a Parent's Serious Illness
by Kathleen McCue and Ron Bonn (St. Martin's Press: 1994) - When a Parent Has Cancer : A Guide to Caring for Your Children
by Wendy Schlessel Harpham, MD (Harper Collins: 2004)
Q. I'm looking for support for my teenage son to help him deal with his sister's cancer. Can you recommend any specific places that can help him?
A. For most teenagers, cancer is about the last thing they expect to deal with during a time of life that may already be tumultuous. Adolescence can often be a struggle over figuring out who you are and what you believe. Teens tend to be focused on their peer relationships and want to "fit in," and often look to other teens who are similar to them for guidance and suggestions.
Yet, having a sibling with cancer immediately sets the teen apart from the rest of his or her peers. This difference can often cause the teenager to feel isolated and alone. Teens struggle to understand what a cancer diagnosis means, how it will affect their own lives, and what will happen to them. Not being able to consult with peers going through something similar might leave the teen feeling uncertain and overwhelmed.
There are resources available, however, specifically for teens to help them connect with other teens affected by cancer.
First, check with a social worker at the hospital or treatment center where your daughter is receiving treatment to find out about any support programs specifically for teens that might be offered there or by local organizations.
In addition to face-to-face support, other services exist online that cater specifically to teens:
- CancerCare offers an online support group for teens with a parent or family member with cancer.
- Group Loop offers a wide range of services for teens with cancer including online support groups, discussion boards, and education materials. They also have information for parents and siblings.
- Kids Konnected is a website devoted to connecting teens who have a parent with cancer or have lost a parent to cancer. They offer information online for teens and parents, as well as local support group information in various cities throughout the United States.
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Wade Iwata, LMSW is the Men's Cancers Project Coordinator at CancerCare. He previously coordinated CancerCare's adolescent services and continues to work extensively with teens affected by cancer and their loved ones face to face, over the phone, and online. He also has presented to professionals on teen cancer issues.
The questions and answers listed above are from the July 2008 Ask CancerCare feature. New Ask CancerCare topics are introduced every month.
If you have additional questions about helping teens cope with cancer, please contact CancerCare directly for information and guidance. CancerCare provides free professional support services, including counseling, education, financial assistance and practical help. These services are provided by professional oncology social workers. If you have a specific concern or question and would like to speak with an oncology social worker, please contact us at info@cancercare.org or 1-800-813-HOPE (4673).
For questions about medical issues, please visit Cancer.net, the patient information website of the American Society of Clinical Oncology (ASCO).
Ask CancerCare Archive (questions and answers from previous months)
| Cancer Types & Specific Populations | Emotional | Medical | Practical |
